I miss school

I’m currently on maternity leave, loving on my new 6 wk old, and learning new things every day. Honestly, motherhood thus far has been harder than anything I have ever done before. I’m currently on a roller coaster of emotions simply due to the new experiences and lack of sleep, roller coaster of hormones, my baby’s nervous system is developing at a rapid pace making for some cranky moments (and by some i mean.. a lot), my dog misses me and I miss him…I wish he could talk and we could chat about how annoying her crying is sometimes, my husband is experiencing this by my side but in an entirely different way, and the cherry on top of the entire experience is the beautiful relationship that breastfeeding has brought me. Breastfeeding is hands down the most special thing I can imagine doing with my baby (at this point) and yet it has been the single most challenging part of motherhood.

 

::Warning…nipple talk::

We’re 6.5 wks out from birth and my nipples are STILL not healed. The left ones’ ok but the right one has had better days. What I though was a crack was actually an open wound (thank you to my aunt who pointed that out and suggested i see a doc asap) and it was open for over 4 wks. Every time she latched on it re-opened, it felt like searing pain and when she’d nurse it felt like glass on my nipple…shards of glass. no bueno. Eventually, upon doing way too much ‘thinking’ about what could make it better, after lactation consolations, midwife visits and OMM treatment…I decided I might have thrush. This is after mastitis, plugged ducts and bloody nipples. I marched over to the doctors office and basically told the PA (who looks younger than me and probably has less clinical experience…not assuming…I know she’s new there and straight out of school) not to mention she hadn’t ever had kids so had no personal experience w breastfeeding…I told her it was thrush and walked out with an anti fungal and anti bacterial cream for my nips. 2 wks later, my right one is FINALLY healing!!! Things are looking up, but let me tell you…it has been a LOOOOONNNGGG road to get here. And of course, it could change tomorrow. ::PLEASE DONT::

Aside from the nipple aspect of nursing, there is a very physical/emotional dependency on your baby (and of course your baby on you!) When she goes longer without eating, my body is basically begging me to relieve the boobs, when I pump to have some milk stored up for when I take my PE in Philly, I’m continually thinking I’m not producing enough. I need her and she needs me and its complicated, covered in breast milk, lots of nipple cream and several breast pads. Its amazing and absolutely overwhelming at the same time. 

On a side note, our pediatrician is amazing. My birth was incredible, I’ll post our birth story at some point, it was at home and she was born in the water with my husband behind me, my sister, doula and midwife all there to help. I love my husband more than I ever thought I could, he’s already an amazing dad…I just have to remember that he’s having a VERY different experience than me every time he mentions how awesome my boobs look (doesn’t he see me feed our baby with them and use them like a machine?!)

Back to the point of this post…I miss school. I didn’t think I’d miss it, I am NOWHERE near ready to go back, but I miss school. I miss the people, I miss patients, I miss feeling educated and knowledgeable, I miss making progress on my ultimate goal. I’m lining up my auditions for 4th year in Family Medicine and its getting me so excited for the upcoming year! Of course, due to my fellowship on campus, this is actually my 5th year and all of my original classmates are graduating in 2.5 wks…OMG I’m so excited for them!!

 

My top choice so far is Long Beach Memorial, but I’m also interested in Santa Rosa, Marian, White Memorial … we shall see, so exciting!!

 

Baby’s napping, I got no sleep last night, so I’m going to go nap too. Can’t pass up these moments.  

Last night was our home visit with the midwife to make sure we’re prepped and ready for the home birth. Today marks 36 weeks of gestation for you, and ‘technically’ 1 month left of pregnancy for us.

The appointment went well, we’ve got most of our supplies together and just need to gather a few more essentials to be fully prepped. You and I are looking great and it was a relief to make it to 36 and now be looking forward.

I know that very soon your presence will not be denied in this home, you will fill it with an audible and visual presence and everyone will partake in loving you and sharing your first moments in life. For now, I’m thankful you’re in me, you’re with me, and we’re together for these precious last moments.

There is no doubt I’ll miss being pregnant. There are highs and lows to the journey and my body has challenged me, but this journey has been one so unique and special that I can only show gratitude towards it. I’m trying to revel in these moments, rub my belly a little longer and with more intention, savor the special connection it provides me with the world, enjoy the slower pace that it mandates of me.

No matter how much I love it, the idea of you coming into our lives is still more exciting :-) I can’t wait!

Mama Bear

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my days are filled with work mostly. I’m on campus teaching, lecturing in small groups and getting the second years through their cranial course. I have the normal 8-5 and am usually too beat to do anything when I get home.

But the special thing about my ‘normal’ 8-5 is that I have my very own companion with me all day :-) I have my baby. I feel you kick, I feel you squirm, I feel you push on my body and I feel my body try to accommodate your growing body.

Deep down in my soul, in the depths of my body and in my wisdom as a mother I know you are OK, I know we are OK, and I trust our bodies together, in synchrony, working on this dance of development and soon delivery.

I get love from all of my co workers, you get love from them every day, they rub you, they meditate on you and they gather excitement from you (did you know you were already having that affect on people?!) They place their hands on my belly, they feel you, they smile, they warm my skin, they comfort you, they comfort me — its very special.

On top of that, we have our family. Our family that without hesitation, anywhere in our day, will bend down to kiss the belly you’re currently inhabiting. They will unabashedly pour their love over our two bodies working together and they do so with such beauty and sensitivity it makes my heart sing.

One of my favorite things is getting the excitement from those around me that are clearly enchanted and impressed with the process of pregnancy and birth. These are the folks that aren’t close enough to me to simply start kissing the belly :-) but they drop in on us to share their smile, to get a peak into your day, “is baby kicking?” they want to know, as their eyes glimmer with the beauty of life in front of them.

It is all of these beautiful humans, the women that have come before me and birthed their children, the children that come every day into their mother’s arms, the mommies that are just discovering their new partnership deep in their womb, it is all of this combined that gets me through the days. It inspires me, comforts me, and reminds me that this joyous process is not one I have to experience alone.

Yet as my mother always professed ‘you won’t understand until you have kids of your own’ I find myself stumbling upon the positive thoughts in my mind and being blocked by or stumped by the negative ones. I worry about you, I worry about us. I am sensitive to the world around us in what I can only describe as a ‘mama bear’ type of way.

I know this is only the beginning and I know that the true journey of motherhood is one of letting go and allowing this beautiful extension of yourself to walk their own path in life. I practice daily to let go.

I know, both in a medical sense and in my own spiritual sense, that your journey into this world will be determined by both of our hearts and my job is to settle so this communication can be had.

I want you to know baby, that when you enter this world, you will be surrounded by love. You will be surrounded by calm and you will be supported by women and men who want your journey to be a spectacular one.

We will cradle you in those early days, we will share Rooney’s kisses with you, we will day dream about you and we will marvel at you. In fact, we will never stop doing any of that, but I promise, I will release some of my worry, I will release some of my fear and I will trust where you came from and where you are going.

We are already a dynamic team conquering incredible feats.

I love you more than I ever thought possible my sweet baby. I will rub my belly extra assured today as I know we are a team in everything we’re doing and I know that nature is cloaking us with security in this world.

 

What a year!

Last time I wrote here, almost a year ago, I was in a COMPLETELY different place in life. I just read through my old posts (I didn’t really do too many, so not a hard task to complete) and in my Jan 2013 post (1 yr ago!) I said it might be the year of baby.

Well, it IS! We are 31 wks pregnant currently and due March 7 with our first bundle of joy, sex unknown, 2 excited parents embark on a crazy journey of starting a family in 2014.

I’m reviving the blog so we can have some fun records of pregnancy, baby, my 4th year of medical school etc…

Will be back with some updates soon so I can read through them in years to come and laugh at how simple life once was.

 

Convocation

Convocation is in 4 days!! I’m so so so so so excited, I will soon be reunited with my dear fellows and faculty in Florida, we will learn more about osteopathy, I will meet up with an esteemed doctor in the field of OMT & OBGyN research (secretly hoping she’ll mentor me), and I will visit a state  I’ve never been to!

Lot’s has been going down the past few weeks.

First off, my first race! Quick recap:

-It was awesomely inspiring and amazing and I already signed up for a 10K next month

-I cried a few minutes into running b.c I was so overwhelmed by everyone running

-I ran the entire thing (goal #1, Check!) and I LOVED it (goal #2, Check!). The pooch and the husband came to watch, it was awesome.

-I ran in under an hour! {{I know…5K in an hour?! but I was worried…and I ended up running it in 36 minutes, which is certainly something awesome for me}}

-I did it all on my own and it felt great to challenge myself, try something new, and accomplish something I’ve been wanting to do. Feels great to expand.

Some pics of the fun event:

photo-27 photo-15 copy 2 photo-15 photo-22The race was ~ 500 people, lots of families, even some doggies, it was awesome! This is my cheering section:

photo-21And before you wonder…is that a muzzle!? Nope, it’s a ‘snoot loop’ you can google it, it’s the original version of the ‘gentle leader’ that cesar milan came out with. It helps me control this strong poochie when we’re walking, if I have control of his head, all’s good :)  You know how some people put harnesses on their dog? Well we’ve tried really hard to train him to be a good walker and a harness only lets him pull with his ENTIRE body weight…which makes no sense, so with this nifty sucker, I can walk him like a charm. It’s awesome.

After the race, the hubby and I drove to Malibu for our 4 year wedding anniversary. We were celebrating by renting a vintage airstream trailer on a property in Malibu for the night, romantic, secluded and beauuuutiful. Here are some pics:

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our sweet trailer overlooking the Santa Monica Mountainsphoto-17 copy photo-15 copy photo-23 photo-26 photo-20

The owner of the property has 8 goats, on our hike the next morning we had a visitor follow us back to the airstream. This was snowflake, she was sweet and even came up to sniff us a ton…eventually licked my leg…and even gave it a nibble, harmless and VERY sweet! We hung out with her all afternoon before we left. **Note snowflake running after the husband :-) Didn’t want to leave our side!
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This is what the pooch was up to while we were away…he was having a sleep over at our friends house, and what fun he had!

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Since that fun weekend, things have pretty much been business around here.

I’ve been finishing my OMM rotation, in fact, today was my last day. LOTS to talk about there…another post coming.

Other news, my mom is moving! She’s been wanting to move for a while, but isn’t really in a position to. Just serendipitously, my aunt has a house next to her going up for sale and it’s basically a dream come true to have my mom and aunt live right next door to each other…AND 15 minutes closer to me :-) Now we just have to work on selling her house…

I organized my office

photo-19Made homemade doggie treats…pumpkin spice!photo-24

And am currently gearing up for exams, new rotations in the hospital, convocation in Florida, and helping mom with the house!

I’m working on articulating my post about my last rotation soon. The quick and dirty, it was awesome, filled with self reflection and amazing. I was challenged but walk away from it feeling more deeply rooted in my connection with health, patient care, and why I want to be a doctor. I also feel closer to my goals and have a better idea of what kind of physician I want to be.

 

 

 

 

 

5K

This week was good, in a weird way. I can’t tell if I LOVE what I’m doing every day, or if I HATE it.

Basically what I’m doing now is reallllllly demanding mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. I have to think hard while treating someone to feel things and to then bring it back to normal. At the end of the day, even if we’ve only had 3 patients, I’m drained.

Why I love it:

-truly treating patients ENTIRE body: mind, spirit, leg, arm, etc… all in combination

-it’s pretty amazing what we can do with our hands to heal

-the schedule is great

Why I’m not loving it:

-can be boring

-sometimes I don’t want to work that hard

-sometimes I don’t like treating the entire person bc I feel like they’re manifesting problems that aren’t actually there

-sometimes I don’t think I FEEL anything

-sometimes I don’t know how to approach a patient with treatment and feel frustrated

-I wish I was better at treating

**it’s so helpful to see it written down! a lot of my ‘dislikes’ stem from lack of confidence or knowledge…interesting.

I have a very busy day today, getting all of my life taken care of before my hubby and I head off for the weekend to Malibu.

Currently researching bunions, feeling like a  podiatrist, and anxiously awaiting my hike with my dear friend and pooch — just a few more hours!

Tomorrow is my race, my FIRST 5K!! I’m getting really excited! This is a big ol’ deal to me and I’m simply hoping to ENJOY and RUN THE WHOLE THING.

I’m going to re-write my goals later.

Never Ending

This weekend is never-ending and I LOVE it! Thursday night my husband, sister and myself met up with some friends to see a show — husbands friend from high school in England is in a band that’s touring the U.S. right now. It was such a fun night…there may have been tamales from someone’s trunk at 2am.

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The next morning, Ant and I walked around Los Feliz w the pooch and had an awesome breakfast at the Mustard Seed Cafe, breakfast burrito :-) Later that day I met friends for sushi and ended up seeing Identity Theft…super funny!! Of course, that day couldn’t go by without attempting my life-long pursuit for the perfect storage option for my office.

I have such a small office and it’s getting to a pnt where I need more storage and need to purge my space of unnecessary stuff. This weekend I’ve been to 7 + stores looking and haven’t found anything! I might go to Ikea later…

One of my projects this weekend, his and hers laundry hampers out of trash bins

One of my projects this weekend, his and hers laundry hampers out of trash bins –

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting up with 2 dear friends (one with child, yay!!!) and we had drinks (mocktails for mama-to-be) and dinner at the bar my husband works at, deeeeelicious! Lots to catch up on and chat about, it was lovely.

Today has been very productive. Finished a paper, sent a billion emails (more like 4 important ones..but it felt like a billion :-) took a quiz, organized and updated my CV, put together my packet to ask for letter of rec from my last preceptor, updated my ‘to-do’ list…ate lots of yummy snacks while being productive.

Something weighing on my mind..My pooche’s foot! We played ball w him in a tennis court yesterday and about 20 minutes in, we realized he was bleeding from somewhere. The pooch DOES NOT mess around when it comes to the ball, all of his skidding and running had split BOTH of his front foot pads, with pieces kinda hanging off and bleeding :-( We stopped and headed home, I put some neosporin on them last night. But when we got home, the pooch proceeded to throw up…probably a 1/3 of a gallon of mucus! He hadn’t eaten breakfast yet and had downed a ton of water while playing ball…maybe the heat got to him? We layed low all day after his throwing up and he was very protective over his foot. He did eat dinner, thankfully, and no throw up. But today he seems like he’s in a lot of pain with his feet, I just can’t handle his sad whimpering!! :-( Probably going to the vet this week.

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Excited for…This weekend when I run my FIRST race!!! and hubster and I head out on a romantic evening to celebrate our 4 yr wedding anniversary. I’ve booked something in Malibu for the night and I’m so excited!!

Thankful for…the amazing sun today, my husband that loves my dog so much, my sister for being so damn amazing and literally the best sibling, and for my mom, whom raised my sister and myself on her own and is the strongest woman I know.

Fusion Barre

On Monday I attended a fusion barre class at a new studio in town. Basically I woke up early one morning the week prior, noticed an amazon local deal for 20 dollars to purchase 3 classes of barre at this fun looking studio. I purchase said deal. Next, I looked up the studio online to check out the schedule…well, it turns out the studio is literally BRAND NEW. It hadn’t even opened yet lol. So, I decided to reserve a space in their fusion barre class on the very first day of business for this studio.

When Monday rolled around, I was super excited to try something new! I headed over to the next town, parked up and found this cute new place in the shopping center. When I got inside…a pit formed in my stomach….I was the only, ONLY person there for class. uh…

This studio is very ‘open’ and I didn’t want to be the center of attention, on the other hand, one-on-one classes, cool! Thankfully, 1 other person showed up so it was the two of us, 1 employee, and the teacher. The class was neat, a little unorganized, but perhaps thats to be expected.

The only bummer, I think I overworked my hip. I couldn’t even walk the dog yesterday or the day before. My hip is aching SO BADLY! I’m hoping it will just slowly go away….

Some good news: I got an honors in my previous GI rotation! That is the highest grade you can get and on the ‘comments’ section he simply wrote ‘excellent with patients, excellent student.’ It made my entire week to read that. Now, I have to get up the courage to go BACK to his office and ask him for a letter of recommendation. agh.

I’m currently at a local OMM doctor’s office. It’s a completely different ball game, but in a good way. I’m with 4 other classmates, all of whom I really adore, and we’re having a lot of fun so far. I’m also learning to trust my hands in treating SO much more and it’s only day 3.

Will be back with more info on the rotation soon, also thought this would be a good time to delineate between M.D. and D.O. on a nametag :-)

Too Early

You know what bums me out? That I’m up too early and most of my favorite blogs have not updated from the weekend. I like to have a cup o’ joe and update look through blog posts…and I’m in CA so I’m 3 hrs behind anyone on the East Coast, I suppose it makes sense that people have jobs etc… lol … I guess I should be studying anyway.

Yesterday I made the most delicious combination of veggies: green beans [really into these of late], large great northern beans – canned, shallots, chives, and last but not least about a tablespoon of worcester sauce (the secret ingredient) :-) DEEElicious!

photo-6Then, in the afternoon, my cousin called from downtown, she was sat at the bar with her boyfriend chatting to my husband as he worked (he was bar tending) AND she mentioned a going out of business sale at the store next door. I rushed down town and found some gems

Photo-7TOMS for 14 dollars!!!! What’s the catch?? Well…they were all mens sizing, so One of them is big and the other even bigger…My sister is going to take the ‘big’ ones b.c I think they’ll actually fit her well, and I’m going to enjoy my 14 dollar bigger ones with socks :-) and maybe I’ll try shrinking them. Amazing, no!?

Last, but not least, I wrote up a list of goals for my upcoming race. My FIRST race ever!! Will share soon, for some reason the post I wrote was deleted, so now I have to write it again, boo.

Starting a new rotation today!! OMM all day every day :-) Woo!!

 

missed the boat.

I missed the boat on beach weather!! Yesterday was beautiful, sunny, light warm breeze and PERFECT for the beach. However, today was our beach day and this is what we have to work with:

photoShould’ve gone to the beach yesterday. I guess this means I HAVE to clean, study and prep for the week ahead.

Today includes 1 exciting thing though…

Grocery shopping, meal planning, cleaning, laundry, studying, organizing, maybe some thrift shopping for a piece of furniture we’ve been needing, fusion barre at a new fitness place in town…::cough cough::  A FITNESS CLASS!! I haven’t been to one since cross fit…and that made me hurt so bad. I hear barre is hard, so I’m expecting the worst, but I’m super excited to be in a group class again!!

Also, yesterday was my man and my 7 year anniversary (for dating…when do you stop counting dating and just celebrate wedding?? Our 4 year wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks…is it time??) I still count both b.c I feel like we’ve been through so much. We dated across countries for 3 years!! Part of that time I was abroad in England (he’s English) and there were SEVERAL trips to see each other, but we mastered long-distance and I’m proud of it. The marriage has been easy compared to it, we live together and that makes planning life a LOT easier!

To celebrate, I’ve planned a surprise for my love. In 2 weekends we’re heading away for a romantic night in an airstream trailer (the old silver ones) that someone rents out on their malibu property, overlooking the ocean. I’m so excited to be secluded, in a beautiful place, with beautiful things to do around us — we can go to the beach, roam through the meadow, enjoy wine out side of our trailer watching the sunset…. ahhhhh

I hope he likes it!! {{He doesn’t read my blog, so no worry about him seeing it here}}

Off to officially start my day with coffee :-)

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