I’m currently on maternity leave, loving on my new 6 wk old, and learning new things every day. Honestly, motherhood thus far has been harder than anything I have ever done before. I’m currently on a roller coaster of emotions simply due to the new experiences and lack of sleep, roller coaster of hormones, my baby’s nervous system is developing at a rapid pace making for some cranky moments (and by some i mean.. a lot), my dog misses me and I miss him…I wish he could talk and we could chat about how annoying her crying is sometimes, my husband is experiencing this by my side but in an entirely different way, and the cherry on top of the entire experience is the beautiful relationship that breastfeeding has brought me. Breastfeeding is hands down the most special thing I can imagine doing with my baby (at this point) and yet it has been the single most challenging part of motherhood.
We’re 6.5 wks out from birth and my nipples are STILL not healed. The left ones’ ok but the right one has had better days. What I though was a crack was actually an open wound (thank you to my aunt who pointed that out and suggested i see a doc asap) and it was open for over 4 wks. Every time she latched on it re-opened, it felt like searing pain and when she’d nurse it felt like glass on my nipple…shards of glass. no bueno. Eventually, upon doing way too much ‘thinking’ about what could make it better, after lactation consolations, midwife visits and OMM treatment…I decided I might have thrush. This is after mastitis, plugged ducts and bloody nipples. I marched over to the doctors office and basically told the PA (who looks younger than me and probably has less clinical experience…not assuming…I know she’s new there and straight out of school) not to mention she hadn’t ever had kids so had no personal experience w breastfeeding…I told her it was thrush and walked out with an anti fungal and anti bacterial cream for my nips. 2 wks later, my right one is FINALLY healing!!! Things are looking up, but let me tell you…it has been a LOOOOONNNGGG road to get here. And of course, it could change tomorrow. ::PLEASE DONT::
Aside from the nipple aspect of nursing, there is a very physical/emotional dependency on your baby (and of course your baby on you!) When she goes longer without eating, my body is basically begging me to relieve the boobs, when I pump to have some milk stored up for when I take my PE in Philly, I’m continually thinking I’m not producing enough. I need her and she needs me and its complicated, covered in breast milk, lots of nipple cream and several breast pads. Its amazing and absolutely overwhelming at the same time.
On a side note, our pediatrician is amazing. My birth was incredible, I’ll post our birth story at some point, it was at home and she was born in the water with my husband behind me, my sister, doula and midwife all there to help. I love my husband more than I ever thought I could, he’s already an amazing dad…I just have to remember that he’s having a VERY different experience than me every time he mentions how awesome my boobs look (doesn’t he see me feed our baby with them and use them like a machine?!)
Back to the point of this post…I miss school. I didn’t think I’d miss it, I am NOWHERE near ready to go back, but I miss school. I miss the people, I miss patients, I miss feeling educated and knowledgeable, I miss making progress on my ultimate goal. I’m lining up my auditions for 4th year in Family Medicine and its getting me so excited for the upcoming year! Of course, due to my fellowship on campus, this is actually my 5th year and all of my original classmates are graduating in 2.5 wks…OMG I’m so excited for them!!
My top choice so far is Long Beach Memorial, but I’m also interested in Santa Rosa, Marian, White Memorial … we shall see, so exciting!!
Baby’s napping, I got no sleep last night, so I’m going to go nap too. Can’t pass up these moments.